Hellsing: The Musical
by Byakko
Summary: Singing? Dancing? Please tell me its a dream! Dream? It's a freaking nightmare for all of Hellsing! Watch, and be amazed, as they sing out their hearts broadway style! Naturally, hilarity plus!
1. Intro

**Author's Notes:** First off, I plagarised Buffy the Vampire Slayer with this fic, or maybe I could say I was inspired to adapt the wonderful musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer into this fic, but really, I copied it ^^ Ha ha ha ha! Anyway, I was rewatching the musical episode of Buffy for the second time, and I suddenly WHAM! Saw Alucard singing Spike's lines ^0^ Not to mention Walter taking Giles' lines, and so on and so forth. Then I thought, why the bloody hell not?! MAKE A HELLSING MUSICAL! YATTA! And thus, through my demented and uninspiring mind that loves to copy things, I have made this Hellsing Musical! TRA LA LA LA LA! And also, it serves as a neat distraction from my otherwise stressful life -_-000 

Um, as warning, the songs are made in script style to facilitate reading and if you want, to sing along. If you want to hear the real songs from the Buffy Musical, then I suggest you download them, they are quite nice to listen to, easy listening really, and absolutely hilarious if you ask me. The Giles song is the best, cause he sounds a bit like Walter ^^ IMO anyway, how Walter might sound like in real life. 

Right, okay, another warning, I...am a AxS supporter, yes, I am. BUT, I have this kind of 'I-can-read-'em-but-really-can't-write-'em' thing going on for me, and the problem is that Alucard has to sing one particular song...well, you'll know when you read it. I doubt it'll be in this chapter, so you wait for a while (I'm writing this very quickly you know) 

Okay, I think you're really pissed off with these damn notes right? FINE! Read on, and be forewarned for lunancy! 

P.S. Pip is IN ^^! 

P.P.S. REMEMBER! BROADWAY STYLE! NOT POP, NOT ROCK, NOT JAZZ, BROADWAY STYLE! 

Unless otherwise stated. 

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**

*~*Hellsing: The Musical*~*

**

Dusk was on London, the moon was high and full of tears of unknown rivers, the fog drifted and rolled amiably, giving a false whiteness to the darkness as they concealed criminals, hooligans, thieves and other assorted no-goodniks. Which was not to say THAT detered Celes from wondering aimlessly about in the dark park. 

Actually, she wasn't really wondering aimlessly about in the dark park, per se, she was on a mission, ordered by Sir/Lady Integra! 

To wonder aimlessly about in the dark park. 

"Yaaaaaaa...!" she yawned, stretching both her hands up as she shouldered her Halconnen. 

She was suppose to be patrolling the park, since there were a rash of abductions of, curiously enough, MALE virgins, whose bodies had been found in some area of the park, heartless. As in, heart cut out, but no bite mark, so, probably no vampires. Hopefully, Celes was pretty sure that the heart alone might be enough to satiate a vampire with exotic tastes. 

Integra deduced that among other things, Celes was probably better suited for this mission, her abilities as a vampire, and the fact that whatever demon was out there was looking out for the opposite sex were winning points. 

Naturally, Celes herself thought that her Master was probably a safer bet on demon vanquishing, after all, a Halconnen was not exactly handy at close range. Maybe she could swing it and hoped to knock their heads off, or ram them through, but that was messy. She hoped she could just fire a nice explosive round right into them. 

But there was also the matter as to WHY she was not joined up with a squad, at least as emergency back-up, or to safeguard the perimeter. This matter, Sir Integra had so graciously explained that they could no risk anymore human soldiers, the new recruits were still in training, and the fact that if these demons were not powerful enough to cause anything spontaneous except kidnap guys on their first date, a lone vampire would probably be enough. 

That got Celes grumbling about vampiric discrimination, about how she couldn't mingle with anyone (not that she would actually like to mingle with other vampires, beyond her Master {on second thought, he's not such a good example} and Helen, the vampires she had met were all bottomline, JERKS!), about how she felt she was being used more as an atomic bomb instead of being more of a soldier, and basically everything bad she could think of. 

'At least tonight's assignment is marginally interesting', she thought as she walked through a gap between two large trees, 'The last few nights were just ghoul blasting,' 

Once she passed through the gap, she heard a scream, a guy's high-pitched scream. 

"Finally," she muttered, she was not in a particularly good mood, and destroying some vampires, or whatever, might prove interesting enough. 

Running quickly, she saw clearly the three men, vampires as she saw by the light glinting off their red eyes and fangs, with one in some robes emblazoned with brown motifs, holding an obviously sacrifical knife. She raised her Halconnen to fire, only to see the human victim being tied to a tree, and one of the other two vampires ripping his shirt open to bare his chest. 

"Damn," Celes muttered as she dropped her gun and ammo box, and prepared for close combat. 

Ah yes, the other reason that Sir Integral had given, that considering Celes was drinking more blood, gradually, she should try to excel in fighting vampires hand to hand as well. 

True, Celes had never really fought off a vampire, let alone three before, but she was rather angry, not to mention hungry, and the two vampire thugs were a lot younger than her, maybe 14 at convertion, and the priest guy was converted waaaaaay too late in his life. 

In fact, Celes felt herself anticipating this fight, all her frustration and quiet discontent was making her relish the upcoming fight. 

It almost made her want to... 

"Every single night,   
"The same arrangement,   
"I go out and fight the fight,   
"Still, I always feel the strange estrangement,   
"Nothing here is real,   
"Nothing here is right." 

She walks up resolutely to the trio, who have stopped their ritual and face her with fangs unfurled. 

"I've been making shows of trading blows,   
"Just hoping no one knows,   
"That I've been going through the motions,   
"Walking through the part,   
"Nothing seems to penetrate my heeeeeaaarrrrtt." 

She charged up the nearest one, who also runs up to fight her, and they began to throw a meddley of punches, kicks and throws. 

"I was always brave and kind of righteous,   
"Now I find I'm wavering,   
"Crawl out of your grave,   
"You find this fight just doesn't mean a thing." 

Celes scores a powerful punch right across the vampire's jaw. 

_Vampire:_ "She ain't got that swing..." 

He crumples to the ground. 

_Celes:_(looking down) "Thanks for noticing." 

The vampire rolled the side and gets up as the two other vampires strut sideways over in a coordinated dance and continue: 

"She does pretty well with fiends from hell,   
"But lately, we can tell,   
"That she's just going through the motions,   
"Facing it some how... 

Celes quickly retreated back during their verse, grabbed her Halconnen gun, and fired as they ran after her, the huge bullet going through the first vampire, through the second, and on to the third which was the priest vampire. 

As the first two crumbled, the priest vampire continued to sing: 

"She's not even half the girl she (looks down at huge hole in stomach) - ow." and crumbled into dust. 

Celes carried along her Halconnen and ammo box, took up the blade from the pile of vampire dust: 

"Will I stay this way forever?   
"Sleepwalk through my life's endeavor? 

She walked over to the capture man, slicing the ropes with the blade, who turns out to be a light blonde-haired and very handsome guy, with his shirt ripped open to reveal a nice set of abs. 

_Guy:_ "How can I repay... 

_Celes:_ "Whatever.   
"I don't want to be,   
"Going through the motions   
"Losing all my drive,   
"I can't even see,   
"If this is really me,   
"And I just want to beeeeeeeeeeeee,   
"Alllllliiiiiiiiivvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeee 

She spread her arms broadway style on the last two lines, still holding her Halconnen and ammo box. Then as if suddenly realising what she was doing, dropped her arms and stared around in confusion. 

"What the hell was that?!" 

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**Author's Notes (again):** Soooooo, how was that? Silly, disturbing, stupid? Want to see more? Well, be honest with me on whether you want to see more, as well as comment on the song and action structure because this was the best I could come up with. Please review, and btw, the lyrics were taken from 'Going through the Motions', sung in Buffy the Musical, by Buffy the Vampire Slayer. 


	2. Exploding

**Author's Notes:** Hmmm...couldn't resist writing another chapter to while away the time in my pointless existence. Right at present, I am hungry, so hungry, that right now, I wouldn't even mind eating vampire dust, which is saying a lot. And I have named the big mosquito who has been sucking my blood for the last three hours Alucard, and the little buzzy one - SMAP! Okay, forgot the little one, it's history now. Well, actually, I called it Celes, well, too bad for her. 

Hmm...The Mosquito Chronicles...another interesting idea, no? 

Anyway, more madness, and singing in this chapter. 

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"I want an explanation," Integra began coolly, looking at the slightly twitching Captain. 

"Captain Bernadotte, I want an explanation. NOW," she growled, her blue eyes glowing a certain blue-hot flame of anger. 

The captain twitched at the voice, his one eye without an eyepatch sqinting tight for a moment, before he grinned and raised up his head to face the angry head of Hellsing. 

"Well, Sir, um, Lady, Integral. We were just marching back on to homebase, and decided to sing a bit, you know, army comradrerie and all that stuff. Just a little fun," he said sheepishly, his mouth locked in a permaneant forced grin. 

"'Just a little fun'," Integral echoed hollowly, standing up from her seated position, her shoulders hutched and shaking, Pip heard her take a deep breath and braced himself. 

"YOU CALL WAKING UP HALF THE CITY WITH SINGING COMPARABLE TO A BAND OF INANE MONKEYS, CARTWHEELING DOWN THE ROADS OF LONDON TO HER MAJESTY'S PALACE, AND **THEN** FORMING A HUMAN PYRAMID IN FRONT OF THE GATES OF THE ROYAL PALACE, AND SCREECHING OUT 'GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!' **A LITTLE FUN!!?!?!??!**" 

Pip clenched his jaw in fear, and moved very slowly backwards when he saw that Integra wasn't done with him yet, "You know, we were just being patriotic..." 

"Patriotic...PATRIOTIC!?" Integra started heaving as she prepared for another round of vicious abuse to be directed at the captain. 

"We really couldn't help it you know!" Pip said in desperation, "It just came over us! I never knew I could cartwheel before tonight...and by the way, did you know you have this really big throbbing vein on your forehead that looks kinda like-" 

However, that did not stop Sir Integra from barraging her new captain on the need for respect of the Royal Household, how Hellsing needed to uphold their honor, and the dangers their singing would give to anyone nearby. And she was just getting started. 

A polite rap of three knocks on the door finally stopped Integra from further injuring the hurt captain, who seemed to be having a hard time just standing up from all the swift and powerful scolding that had just been unleashed on him. 

"Come in!" she snapped in her not-quite-spent fury, settling down in her chair with a huff, grabbing her cigar case and fishing one out with one hand while her other hand took out her lighter. 

Walter walked in with precise strides to stand respectfully in front of Intgera's desk, taking the place of Pip, who had finally staggled to the far wall and collasped against it. 

"Sir Integra, I understand that you are currently busy," Walter began. Integra brought a cigar to her mouth, lighted it, and took a long draw from it to calm herself, her face still slightly flushed. 

"But I believe there is something that you should see," he did not quite finish, but waited for her approval first. 

"Oh? What is the matter, and where?" Integra replied, leaning on the palm of one arm while she held her cigar. 

"In the laundry room, Sir," Walter said cautiously. 

Integra raised an eyebrow in surprise, "The laundry room? Isn't this a domestic matter that you can handle?" 

Walter nodded apologetically, "I wish I could, Sir Integra, but unfortunately, the 'matter' is rather peculiar. I suggest you follow me and see for yourself," 

Integra was rather curious as to what could have happened that would require her attention, and left her study to follow her steward to another area of the Hellsing manor. Pip, who had recovered moderately from his encounter, quickly tailed them. 

After having walked at a brisk pace down the steps to the servant quarters, as Integra who was in the front turned around the corner, she watched and heard the ending performance of several servants. 

_Man, holding a white shirt in his hands:_ "They got,"   
"The mustard,   
"Ooooooooooouuut!" 

_Chorus of other servants:_ "They got the mustard oooooooooooooout!" 

The servants, all with clean shirts of various colours in their hands, were dancing in a triangular formation while the main singer was at the end, holding up the white shirt as he sang his lines. All around them, several other servants were doing cartwheels and flips while holding boxes of detergent in their hands. 

Integra was stunned, her eyes not blinking, her cigar in the danger of being dislodged from her ajar mouth. 

"As you can see, I was not able to stop them from completing their, ahem, performance," commented Walter from behind. 

Pip glanced at the servants, who had suddenly realised what they were doing and who was there and were scampering about in anxiety and embarrassment. He mumbled to himself, "Our routine was waaaaaay better..." 

-------------------------------------------------

Celes walked out of the park in a mingle of shock, confusion and vague understanding. She had just burst out into song some 7 minutes ago, or did she? Maybe it was because she was hungry, and she got hallucinations, or maybe she went fullblown nuts again and this was her body's natural way of preventing her from waking up screaming. But, the bodies of the vampires were dust, most definitely dust. Maybe she was dreaming? But she was certain she had not dozed off. So, she must really have started singing, but she was notoriously tonedeaf, there was noway she could have sang all that. Not to mention the other vampires were joining together in a coordinated effort, sort of. 

Once she reached the empty road, and stood underneath a streetlamp, she immediately opened her ammo box and took out her radio receiver. 

"This is agent Celes Victoria, I need to be picked up outside Hyde Park, along 53rd street, over," she said into the mouthend. 

"Affirmative. Be ready for contact in 10 minutes," a voice replied over the ear piece. 

Celes sighed and leaned against the cool metal of the lamppost, looking straight ahead at the empty and deserted street. It was quiet tonight, and if she just pushed her hearing just that bit to break her human limits, she could hear the heartbeats and breathing of the sleeping denizens in their apartments. One beat, two beats, three beats four... 

She was sorely reminded of her own lack of pulse 

"And if you happen to continue this ridiculous _wringing_ of your humanity, you will continue to be so," retorted a deep voice from behind her. 

Celes jumped in surprise and immediately turned on her heel, and knowing full well who that voice belonged to, she shouted, "MASTER! DON'T DO THAT!" 

Alucard was leaning against the same post, her back to her and half shrouded in darkness, making his silhoutte looking reddish at the edges from his coat. As he twisted around to face his apprentice, he brought to fingers to his forehead, and tipped his hat up and his sunglasses down to reveal his red eyes, giving him a clear view as he looked down at the rather flustered Celes. 

Amusement played itself across his face and he grinned widely admidst light laughter, "Don't do what? I have been standing here since you came out of the park. I had thought you to be able to detect your own master, but it seemed my expectations of you were too high," 

Celes looked up at him angrily at his criticism, but resigned to the fact that she had to live it, probably for the all eternity if she was too careful. Sighing a bit in a peeved sort of a way, she placed her ammo box and Halconnen on the sidewalk. 

"Why are you here, Master? I thought Sir Integra said that this was a solo mission," 

Alucard pushed his sunglasses back up his nose, his sardonic grin still plastered on his face, "I don't need Integra's orders to go where I want, policegirl. At least until she orders me to stay confined in the mansion, and we both know she would never do that if she had a choice," he laughed lightly again, casually drawing out his 454 Casull and eyed it with a slight critical air. 

"As for me being around Hyde Park, I thought you might need a little help on your first solo mission, seeing as the last time you faced the undead alone, it didn't exactly work out as you planned, hm?" he peered down at the young vampire, who was keeping her jaw clenched tightly in her mounting exasperation of being ridiculed by her senior. 

Alucard smiled, this time not so much mocking as pleased, "But I suppose this trip was unnecassary, you seemed to have handled this mission rather well," 

Celes felt her face flushing. It was not because of his praise, well, maybe just a bit; but because if he knew she had managed to defeat the late vampires, then that meant he must have seen her...singing. 

"Too bad I wasn't here for the big show, but since you came out unhurt and I detected the whiff of some trash vampires' dust on my way here, I assume the mission was a roaring success," he finished. 

Phew! 

"But you still must buck up on using your vampiric abilities more habitually," he said evenly as he held his gun straight out, looking at the far corner of the next street. 

"Or else you would have detected the unusual clatter of noise coming up that street," Alucard pointed his gun at the corner in question, eyeing it expectantly. 

Celes grumbled slightly, silently wishing her Master would just stop criticising her so much as she concentrated on that spot some distance away. Her concentration allowed her enhanced abilities to work, and true enough, she heard a strange rhythmic tapping noise coming ever closer from around the corner. 

"Ha! What do you think, policegirl? It's far, far past midnight, so would this be some lumbering ghoul or a cheap trash vampire?" Alucard grinned, his teeth flashing as he fingered his gun's trigger hopefully. 

Soon, the two vampires' target came out into the light, and Celes replied, almost triumphantly, "Or it could be a **human** man, probably drunk and tapdancing up the street," 

Alucard's playful expression was replaced by a disappointed one as he too saw that it was just some hapless man who was tapdancing all the way to the corner and under the streetlamp. 

"Fool," he muttered under his breath as he tilted his gun back slightly, the thoughts of shooting the man anyway and blaming it on mistaking him for a vampire crossing his mind. Twice. 

Then, quite suddenly, the man exploded. 

His scream of agony was shortlived as the flames quickly consumed him, turning him into a bright red orange flare in the dark streets. Soon, his flesh is totally consumed in this unnatural fire, and his blacken and thoroughly scorched skeleton colaspes to the pavement. 

Several meters away, two vampires in different stages of bewilderment stared at the finished process of spontaneous combustion. 

Celes' eyes were wide in shock. She turned stiffly to look at her master's gun, then her eyes travelled up at her master's face. 

Alucard looked at his gun, and slowly cocked his head to the side, his grin having disappeared to be replaced by an expression of polite and slight bewilderment. 

Some distance away, the rumbling engine and low headlights of a Hellsing military vehicle was appearing from up the street. 


	3. Theory Practice

**Author's Notes:** Just so you know. Yes, I DO always start any chapter of my fic with author's notes. It's for my rationale and particular thoughts to be expelled before writing the chapter. It helps, trust me. 

Anyway, my friend (who didn't review despite reading my fic so I'm pissed with her :p) has complained that there was no big singing in the last chapter. I'm making it up now, to her and everyone, by of course including a nice ditty in this one. It's not much, as I had to crop out several verses from the original song that didn't fit, and if you complain that a lot of the characters don't get their own solos like Celes, just you wait, espeically for Alucard ~_^ 

Hope you enjoy, this chapter will be short as I'm on a drain of ideas for now. 

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**Chapter 3**

Integra sat motionlessly in her chair, leaning down towards her desk with her face behind clasped fingers, her eyes closed in deep thought. 

"Two seperate incidences of spontaneous singing and dancing, one personally experienced by Captain Bernadotte, and the other which we had just witnessed. Most certainly out of the ordinary, perhaps even supernatural," Walter said, standing at attention next to the desk. 

Integra reopened her eyes, calm and blue. She spoke, "It might not be so serious, it certainly doesn't seem so. In fact, I have the feeling that this is all just one big joke, whoever the perpetrator might be," she eyed Pip questioningly, and he looked back indignantly. 

"I hell didn't planned MY 'performance'! Like I said, I-can't-damn-cartwheel!" he yelled in his defence, slamming his fist onto the desk. 

Walter seemed slightly amused, "Please, Captain Bernadotte, try to keep your temper under control," 

"Under control? Think it was easy with that routine!? YOU try cartwheeling with full battle gear and see how you like it..." Pip muttered, running the fingers on his free hand on his sore fist, turning away from the desk partway. 

Integra sighed, and continued to ponder, then frowned as a thought crossed her mind. 

"The _people_ of Hellsing may not be willing participants of this joke," she said in a low voice. 

Walter was silent for a while, noting the emphasis in Integra's voice, and with a small smile and calm reassuring voice, he said, "I very much doubt that Lord Alucard was responsible for these strange happenings, Sir Integra. It is to the best of my knowledge, that he finds the dabbling and use of magic, both of the light and darkness, to be rather pathetic. He would never permit himself to resort to it," 

"Perhaps if he was in combat, but there are no ways to be sure he would not use it for whatever other twisted intention," Integra replied. 

Walter laughed lightly, as if enjoying some private joke, Integra looked up at him quizzically out of the corner of her eye. 

Walter regained his composure, though there was a visible trace of a smile as he explained, "Forgive me, Sir Integra. But I do believe that while Alucard likes to say he regards magic with disdain, another reason he would not give, may be that he has no skill nor ability of wielding black magic," 

Integra raised an eyebrow, "And why should that be amusing?" 

Walter laughed again, his eyes looking upwards to his right as he recalled a well-loved memory, "You were still not born yet, but I well remember how Alucard had once tried in vain to break the spell binding him to Hellsing. As I have said, he, unfortunately, has no expectional abilities in magic, and though he tried his best to use it to his advantage...the results were rather...catastrophic ..." he stopped laughing abruptly when a loud knock resounded on the door to Integra's office. 

"Enter," Integra responded, as she lighted a cigar for herself, her mind restless and uneasy over the unresolved matter. 

Celes walked in, peering at Pip momentarily as he stood muttering at a wall, and bowed her head slightly once she was in front of Integra's desk. 

"The mission was successful I assume," Integra stated in a more buisness-like tone, directing her attention to the draculina in front of her. 

"Yes, Sir Integral," Celes responded. 

"All the three targets have been eliminated successfully," she continued. 

Integra nodded in approval, satisfied with the simple report, and was ready to dismiss Celes when Walter suddenly spoke to her. 

"Excuse me, Ms. Victoria," Walter started formally. 

Celes looked up in surprise, at the steward, who continued. 

"I would like to know whether you noted anything 'unusual' during the course of your mission," 

Celes was taken aback. Did Walter know something about her...singing?! Her mind swam for a moment before remembering the other 'incident' that happened shortly after that number. 

She was beginning to look suspiciously flustered under Walter's gaze and she quickly replied, "Well, when I was waiting for to be picked up, a man at the far corner of the street just...tapdanced up to the corner, and..." 

Celes paused for a moment, wondering what would everyone's reaction be when she finished with, "Exploded," 

Integra blinked, Pip stopped his muttering and looked cautiously over his shoulder. 

"Exploded?" Walter repeated. 

Celes nodded frantically, "He just BOOM! Exploded and burned up," 

Walter leaned back, with a slight smile of polite interest for the matter. Integra took off her glasses and rubbed her temples, "Dancing monkeys, dancing servants, and now exploding people in the streets of London..." she groaned. 

"'Monkeys?!'" yelled Pip indignantly, but noone was paying attention to him. 

"Not to mention, Ms. Hellsing, a certain dancing vampire as well," Alucard's deep baritone resounded throughout the room as he appeared from a pool of blackness through the wall, right next to Pip who immediately backed away from the vampire with a yelp. 

Celes' face burned and she did not dare turn to face her master, who had begun laughing at her embarrassment. 

Pip looked at Alucard queerly, "You were dancing?!" 

Integra allowed herself to smile a little in amusement while Walter shook slightly with repressed mirth. Celes could have laughed as well, but she noticed that her master had stopped laughing abruptly and was glaring at Pip, his sharp teeth very evident as he grinned threateningly. 

"Uh, Pip, it was me," Celes raised up a hand apologetically. Pip looked horrified when he realized his mistake and looked from Celes to Alucard, who had now turned to face him directly. 

"Whoops..." he squeaked meekly, retreating further and further backwards from the looming vampire. 

"Alucard, stop harassing Captain Bernadotte," Integra instructed neutrally. Alucard's face dropped with disappointment, and backed away, while Pip was breathing again in relief. 

"Celes," she spoke sternly, making Celes immediately turn to face her with a gulp, "Why didn't you tell us that?" 

*Would YOU tell everyone you were dancing and singing halfway through a mission?!* Celes thought in exasperation. 

"I thought it was unimportant..." 

"Hmph," Alucard snorted slightly, "So, has anyone _else_ burst into song?" 

Walter: "I've got a theory   
That it's a demon   
A dancing demon!   
No, something isn't right there." 

Celes: "I've got a theory   
Some kid is dreaming   
And we're all stuck inside his wacky Broadway nightmare." 

Pip: "I've got a theory   
We should work this oooooouuuuut!" 

Walter, Celes, Pip and Integral: "It's getting eerie   
What's this cheery singing all about?" 

Pip: "It could be demons!   
Some bloodsucking demons!   
_[suddenly notices both Alucard's and Celes' glares]_ "Which is ridiculous 'cause vampires they're superior and really strong and really sharp teeth and could suck my blood and I'll be over here." 

Celes: "I've got a theory!   
It could be bunnies!" 

_Silence and stares_

Integral: "I've got a theory-" 

Celes (yelling, gothic-style)   
Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes!   
They've got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses!   
And what's with all the carrots?   
What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?   
Bunnies!   
Bunnies!   
It must be bunnies!" 

_Silence and stares_

Walter: "I've got a theory we should work this out fast-"   
Walter and Alucard: "Because it clearly could get serious before it's passed." 

Integral: "I've got a theory-" 

But before Integral could finally speak her line, the mysterious phase of singing just passed through them, and they were left without words once more. 

Integral seemed at a loss for words, almost not willing to accept she had just been included into this singing fiasco, and as expected, grabbed a cigar and lighted it quickly. 

"Hmm..." murmured Walter, mentally counting, "Four incidences, not counting the exploding man which I personally suspect is a fellow result to all this...strange occurances," 

Everyone was silent for a moment, Alucard was casually leaning against the wall, his hat tipped down to conceal the upper part of his face. Celes fidgetted and shuffled her feet a bit, Pip was looking curiously at everyone, shrugging at everyone's silence when he met Celes' gaze. 

"Alucard," Integral suddenly spoke. 

Alucard grinned, his red eyes glinting as he lifted his hat graciously off his head. 

"Find whatever is causing this phenomenon, and if it is dangerous," Integral continued, tipping the smoking end of her cigar held in his hand downwards 

"Destroy it," she finished coolly. 

Alucard bowed in gentlemanly style and answered, "Yes, my Master," 


	4. RIP

**Author's Notes:** Is this thing abandoned or what! Sorry to all you peeps out there waiting for me all this time. Been busy, and writing other fanfics for a while, but I'm back! Woo hoo! I had some trouble for the storyline in this story, because it is forcing me to be lame (as in story plotwise, not style or anything [I'm following the Buffy plot a bit, so yeah, singing demon, whoo]) and also, going against my 'pairing supporting'. *Cries* It ain't my idea folks, but it must be done! I'm so sorry to all you peeps who know me to be a supporter of AxC, but I did warn you guys beforehand, that I had to make sacrifices for this fic *sniff* FORGIVE ME! *BWAAAAAAAHH!* 

*sniffle* Anyway, I've finally hit the over 20 review mark ^_^ That got me going again. With a nice average of 7 reviews per chapter, I'm busy once more! WHOOO! 

However, 3D animation project to be done, and piano lessons too. BUT, I'm making concessions for myself with this fic. It relaxes me ^-^ 

And for possibly the main attraction you guys have been waiting for...*drumroll* The famous Alucard solo, yay! 

*swallows poison and prepares to die after writing this chapter because unfortunately, this is the chapter I go against my beliefs {waaaaaaaaah!!!}* 

P.S. Although there are those who would not like this pairing that it obviously is right now, I suggest reading down below because ther ARE cute quirks in this, despite my own personal distaste, hehehehehhe... Anyway, Spike's song fits Alucard perfectly, although it's rock -__- Rock and rolling Alucard? Strange indeed... 

P.P.S. I drew the line at writing actions for Alucard. Seriously, I'm could hardly bear write the lyrics (I comprimised with copying and pasting), let alone WRITE all the actions that Alucard is probably doing...ick...leave it to your imagination, I knew I had a 'fun' time thinking up whatever he was doing. Especially, since he was suppose to be mimicking SPIKE! AHAHAHAHHAHHHA! 

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"You look a bit dishevelled, Captain Bernadotte," commented Walter as he happened to pass by the blond and ponytailed captain in the hallway of the Hellsing mansion. 

"'Dishevelled'? Well, if you saw my platoons little stint in the locker room, you wouldn't be surprised, would ya?" Pip replied, in almost a growl. 

Walter raised an eyebrow, "The locker room?" 

Pip sighed and stopped in his tracks just as the butler did and wringed his hands, "It was pretty okay, although the dances with coconuts were a bit weird, not to mention the monkeys. Where the HECK did they come from..." 

He turned around to face the rather shocked steward, but did not notice Walter's bewildered expression and continued, "But man! What they were singing! You just find out the worse things in those lyrics..." 

"I'm sure...that it wasn't too upsetting..." Walter tried to console, or advise, comment... He seriously did not know what to say about such Pip's 'crisis'. 

"Yeah, whatever," Pip sighed 

"Dammit! I knew that guy was too friendly!" Pip exclaimed as he turned on his heel and walked onwards to his destination, which apparently was Integral's office at the end of the hall. 

Walter looked back in slight bewilderment at the back of the frazzled captain, straightened his collar and cleared his throat to noone in particular, and quickly retreated down the hall as fast as a brisk walk could go. 

________________________________________________

"Come in," instructed Integral, not looking up from her workpile when she heard the knock on her door. 

Pip entered and walked up, standing before her desk. 

"Well, do you have anything to report, Captain?" Integral said nonchalantly. 

"Most of London's affected by the 'singing' disease, but the outer villages are still normal. There have been more of those cases of exploding people, spontaneous concussion was it?" 

"Com-BUSTION, Captain Bernadotte," corrected Integral, sorting her documents and keeping them away. 

"Oh, yeah. Anyway, Hellsing's media coverage group has been keeping those cases out of the news as much as possible, though they sometimes have to make it look like a fire accident," 

"But seriously, there has been so many civilians bursting out into song that everyone knows that something weird is going on," Pip commented, remembering his casual walk just today... 

-------------------------------------------------

_Flashback_

"...this is nightmare...a nightmare in a broadway show...a nightmare in a broadway show about a nightmare..." Pip grumbled to himself as he walked down the cold London streets. 

However, his attention was drawn to the side of a building when he saw window cleaners dancing with their swab brooms. 

"Okaaaaay...hmmm...aaaah..." 

Then, he walked by a policeman and a woman standing on the curb. 

_[Policeman is writing a ticket...]_   
Woman: "I'm begging you please no!   
It isn't right, it isn't fair!   
There wasn't any parking anywhere!   
I think that hydrant wasn't there,"   
I'm begging you please no...!" 

_End Flashback_

---------------------------------------------------

"Yup, they would definitely know something is going on..." Pip continued. 

Integral finished putting away her documents as she closed her desk drawer. She took her a sip from her teacup calmly and replaced it back on her desk before speaking. 

"Actually, you are very correct, captain Bernadotte," she said as she took out a cigar. 

She did not light it immediately or hastily, but took her relaxed time to look for her lighter as she spoke to the captain. 

"I must admit that, after the initial shock of the singing performance in this office three nights ago," she found her lighter and began to flick it to produce a flame. 

"I have found this whole situation rather...acceptable," she got a nice steady flame, and burned the end of her cigar. 

"Acceptable?!" Pip exclaimed unconciously. But it was rather strange, of all people, Sir Integral, feeling this whole singing bit was...okay?! 

Integral casually drew on her cigar and leaned on her desk, looking at the captain, "Whatever a person sings , the lyrics show what they feel and thinking, whether it be obvious or hidden. This is extremely advangteous to me at points. For example, just a day after that incident, I had to meet with her Majesty, as well as Enrico," she half-frowned at the thought of the Catholic pig-moron, but there was also a curious half-smile in her smirk as she continued, "The meeting was to discuss the strange going-ons. The Queen herself claimed a renegade band of men in army dress approached the palace and disturbed her so much with their 'Hellish' singing that she couldn't sleep a wink after that," Integral looked intently at Pip, who suddenly wore an expression of sheepish innocence. 

"During the meeting, Enrico, for goodness knows what reason, tried to debunk the singing situation as a mass hallucination or something along that line. However, he got a rather nasty surprise," Integral grinned, her eyes glinting in casual malice, "He burst out into song right there and then. And while his singing voice was absolutely horrid, I was justified in my claims, _and_ I found out the nasty surprise he was planning for Hellsing and me," 

Pip nodded in agreement, "Out of curiousity, Sir Integral, but just what was he planning anyway?" 

Integral thought for a moment, "It was actually hard to determine the details, but from his continual chorus of "Slay slay slay, let's blow the vampire away. Destroy destroy destroy, that's basically our ploy!", I suppose he was going to get his dear compatriote Anderson in and try to kill Alucard again," 

"Ace versu Ace?" Pip queried, "Isn't that a bit too obvious and extreme?" 

"Obviously, but then, Enrico is an idiot," 

"True," 

Integral leaned back in her chair and balanced her cigar between her fingers, her eyes drifted in her thoughts, "People are still dying, no matter the supposed harmlessness of these incidents. From what Hellsing's intelligience have gathered of the people who died, they all had rather depressing lives, emotional, financial, psychological problems and such. It's clear then, that the intensity of these bouts of singing are killing them?" 

Pip nodded, "That looks right, Sir, and it's getting worse too. Today, about twenty five people have died, and it was eleven yesterday, and five the day before that," 

Integral tilted her head down gravely, her eyes closed in silent thought once more. Smoke flitted slowly in its foggy column from the forgotten cigar in her fingers. 

"Very well, Captain Bernadotte. Thank you for your report, you are dismissed," 

Pip bowed and left the room in a twirl of his ponytail, leaving Integral alone at her desk. 

But not for long. 

"Alucard," she said firmly. 

Seconds passed without any movement on the walls. No black portal, no peering eyes, no maniacal sarcastic laughter. 

"Alucard!" she said more firmly. 

Seconds more passed, which soon became a whole minute and counting. Integral was becoming irritated with the vampire's sudden lack of usual promptness. 

"Alucard! I order you to come here right now!" Integral yelled outloud, knowing that no matter _where_ the vampire was. 

*I'm...sorry, master, but it is in my opinion that that would be a very, very, undesirable...action at this point of time,* echoed Alucard's voice in her office. There was a strain in his voice. 

"What the hell are you talking about, Alucard! I'm giving you a direct order to report to me at once!" she shouted. 

*Integral. No,* he replied simply. 

"Alucard? Alucard! Answer me! Damn it!" she growled in fury and immediately left her desk in a huff, storming to her door and out of her office. 

*Disobeying _my_ precise orders. What the devil is that vampire up to?!* she thought to himself as she stormed the long way to the place Alucard should be. 

She half-wondered whether she should ask Walter along as well, but decided that living with that vampire for over a decade should have thought her _not_ to fear the slightest of him, even if it meant she was going down into his chambers by herself, something which she had never had to do except, perhaps to a certain extent, in a certain incident that happened a decade ago, but in a far further chamber from Alucard's current one. 

And even then, she was not that much fearful of a corpse, and neither should she be now. 

She fingered her pinned cross and pulled it up higher on her tie as she went into the lower dungeons of the mansion beyond the basement. 

*I would sincerely, advise you, Integral, to WAIT...till such time is...appropiate,* voiced the vampire as she neared his chamber. 

"Time is NOT something we have much left, Alucard, and it would be much more 'appropiate' for you to stop wasting my time with your inane games!" she yelled as she rounded the next corner and faced the jet-black door of her organization's thrump card's room. 

It was imposing, but she gripped the knob, and suddenly felt a cold pulse go through her being. 

"Alucard!" this was too much for her. He had given her a very apparent warning, her, HIS master! To not enter his room! 

She turned it roughly and opened the door. 

Alucard was leaning casually back in a chair, somehow defying the all powerful law of gravity as he placed his full weight backwards without tilting the chair too fair. True, his legs were on the table, but they were there because it was comfortable, not because he needed them to have a grip on the table. 

"Well, good evening Integral, my master," he greeted as Integral entered the pitch black room. 

"I've made my 'gracious' way down here Alucard, there had better be a very good reason for this nonsense," 

Alucard started laughing, quietly, and peered at his master from behind orange-tinted sunglasses, "If I had it my way, you would not need to know. Just take it that I was otherwise 'engaged' with some business," he replied cryptically. 

Integral frowned. She hated things hidden from her, especially from her servant, but was willing to pass this moment, with the reasoning that sometimes, age-old bloodsuckers too, needed their moments of privacy. 

"Fine, I will forget this one moment of indiscretion, but have it certain not to happened, again," 

Alucard nodded silently, a grin oh so apparent. 

"Have you found anything? The source of all this?" she asked sternly. 

Alucard shook his head with a grin, "I'm sorry my master, but whoever is doing this, is tricky indeed. Not a clue, master, not a clue," he shrugged playfully. 

Integral frowned a little, "As I hate to say this, Alucard, but currently, all the rest of Hellsing are in less power to find out the cause of these happenings, and I would appreciate you try harder," 

Alucard shrugged again and mused as he walked along the walls, inspecting them for flaws that were not there, "Well, I have thought of plan. Though I hate to resort to it..." 

"Whatever it is, Alucard, you had best try at least ten times," she said in a hard tone. 

"Well then, you had best be off-" suddenly, Alucard's grin froze and his eyes were wide in shocked realization. 

The moment hung for a few seconds, before Integral pushed on, "Alucard? What are you doing, staring in space?" 

For a few more seconds, Alucard kept rigid in his posture and expression, only his eyes reflected his concentration and forced control. 

Finally, he tried to say a few more words, "Well...master...I think...you'd...best be...go-" but the strain was too much, and Alucard's face was twisted into a semi-growl, his arm was outstretched to a black portal that had appeared in the wall, as if he was trying to pull himself out if Integral would not leave. 

Integral looked up in curiousity at the whole display of wringing control that prevaded Alucard's person. 

"Alucard? What in blazes is going on with you?" 

For just a few seconds more, Alucard kept his control battle, unable to move a muscle and almost his eyes as he strained against the supernatural urge stirring inside of him to... 

_Alucard:_ I died   
So many years ago 

Alucard rolled his eyes upwards as he realised he had lost the battle, being forced by what magick was on the city to began his song. 

But you can make me feel   
Like it isn't so   
And why you come to live with me   
I think I finally know 

You're scared   
You're scared   
Ashamed of what you feel   
And you can't tell the ones you love   
You know they couldn't deal   
Whisper in a dead man's ear,   
It doesn't make it real 

That's great - -   
But I don't want to play   
'Cos being with you touches me   
More than I can say   
But since I'm only dead to you   
I'm saying stay away   
And let me rest in peace 

You know, you've got a willing slave   
And you just love to play the thought like you might misbehave   
And I'm telling you   
Stop visiting my grave   
And let me rest in peace 

Integral looked at curiously, but strangely enough, did not seem to hear the song Alucard was apparently singing. In fact, what exactly she was hearing was hard to determine, but she seemed to get the general feeling that Alucard wanted her to leave, which wasn't a matter of importance to her since she was already going to go back once she had asked Alucard for information. She simply stood up and walked out of the room as if nothing had happened. Alucard followed behind though. His verse wasn't finished. 

I know I should go   
But I follow you like a man possessed   
There's a traitor here beneath my breast   
And it hurts me more than you've ever guessed   
If my heart could beat, it would break my chest   
But I can see you're unimpressed   
So, leave me be 

They finally left the dungeon, basement, and entered the slightly sunlit entrance hall of the mansion, Integral still not seeming to take notice of whatever Alucard was singing next to her. By this time, Alucard had become frustrated by the very lyrics of his song, and became reckless as he disappeared 

And let me rest in peace   
Let me get some sleep   
Let me take my love and bury it   
In a hole six foot deep   
I can lay my body down   
But I can't find my sweet release   
Let me rest in peace   
Why won't you let me rest in peace? 

Finally, Alucard's song was finished, and he stared off for a while before regaining normal control on himself. He turned to looked at Integral, who was walking back to her office, giving no reaction whatsoever to his solo performance. 

On the staircase, she suddenly halted, and Alucard looked up in a mixture of something close to nervousness, and dark curiousity as to her reaction to this whole thing. 

"What exactly were you mumbling about while we were coming up here, Alucard?" she asked, in a genuine question which Alucard sensed had no masking in. 

"Hmm..." he murmured, but did not reply, and simply walked a small distance before disappearing into thin air. 

Integral stared nondescriptly, and turned back to walk back on to her office. 


End file.
